Babi.

Found out the girl I've been crushing on isn't very pretty.
GREEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

I don't think you do.

So 2012 started out fine, until I decided to the THE stupidest thing. And I've not had enough sleep since. I've been skipping meals. I've started cutting again, and having suicidal thoughts. I can't seem to forgive myself for doing what I had done. I feel so stupid, and pathetic for letting this get to me. I feel so fucking worthless. I lay in bed all day listening to depressing songs with a blade in my hand. I spend my nights sitting in bed, crying and sometimes just staring into space till four in the god damn morning. Thank God I'm able to keep up with the new topics and shit. I don't get too sleepy in class cause there's like, a shitload of crap bothering me.

THEN, Shila Amzah just HAD to make a cover of this song and now this shit is stuck in my head, and it's making me think of him even more. Oh. God. Damn. It.

Curse you Adele, for making the most relevant, depressing songs.

I day, I scar. Just so I won't lose count the days spent without you.

GUYS ARE DUMB.

Yeah, they are. They're not made to think. They're dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

So this has been bothering me for quite some time. Girls, suka play around with codes. And they expect their boys to understand them, and when they don't, YOU GIRLS MENGAMUK. What? Seriously?

Okay just to make things clear, when I say codes, they're more like these,

I'm fine --> I'm not fine, I'm not okay.

I'm done with this relationship --> FIGHT FOR ME.

Yeah sure, you can do this/go there --> Do it, and I will kill you.

Sure, it's fun and totally fine playing with codes. But stop blaming your guy for not understanding lah. It's stupid. Like I said, guys are not made to think. Lagi lagi kalau boyfriend korang tu bodoh. If they never get your codes, TRY BEING STRAIGHT UP instead of being a total bitch and complaining 24/7. Tell them the truth. Don't play games. Say what you mean, no opposite meanings behind them. Do that, and your boy would find it so much easier to understand you. Kan senang? Dua dua pun bahagia. 

I think girls are annoying.

Thank you all,

now I don't feel so worthless anymore.

You.

Our conversation, it is in my head.
And its on repeat.
The things you said.
The things you meant.
There's something about you.
They way you talk.
The way you laugh.
The way your voice changes when things start to get serious.
The way you get mad at me,
for all the wrong reasons.
The way you make things better again.
The things you say, and how they make me smile and giggle all awkwardly.
The way you make me go crazy.
The way you ask me to perform my prayers, and how you'll always tweet you're praying with me.
The way you'd look at me during our video calls.
The way you smile back, when I flash a smile.
The way you promise me things, and swear you'll never break 'em.
The way you get me to do things like not to cut myself and take my meds.
The way you're constantly worried.
They way you love me, and care about me.
Every. Single. Thing.
I cant list them all.
I kan gemok, busuk and malas.
Oh, boy, I love you.

Dear self,

Happy sixteenth birthday, baby.

May all your wishes come true.

xxxxxxx

   

OMG, HI.

FYRAAAAAAAAAAA ♥ 

Okay, lambat sehari, but I just got a hold of the laptop.

 You're sixteen now, baby :')

Dah besar dah anak Jams ni, hehe.

I miss you, we've not seen each other for ages.

I remember attending tuition with you, laughing our asses off at stupid things,

we talked about unimportant things, and gave no attention or whatsoever to the teacher.

I remember making you an essay for our exam,

and you copied the whole thing :'D

I remember how you liked to call me 'bodoh', and 'bangang' sebab dulu aku lembab.

I remember how you were taller, and so much more skinnier.

I remember your short curly hair, and your long fingers.

I remember your  eyes, the ones with tiny pupils, and how I found them odd :P

I remember everything, and i definitely remember loving you.

Happy Birthday, gorgeous, I LOVE YOU TO DEATH ♥ 

Have a blast, baby!